My Insanity
by SoMeBoDy-sOmEbOdY
Summary: Summary: Toshiro is forced to execute his childhood friend, Momo. The execution has left Captain Hitsugaya broken beyond repair. He absolutely cannot forgive himself for killing his best friend. He isolates himself from the world, training. The only catch is, Momo is still alive. How? You'll have to read and find out. ;D More Details Inside
1. Chapter 1

**Summary: Toshiro is forced to execute his childhood friend, Momo. The execution has left Captain Hitsugaya broken beyond repair. He absolutely cannot forgive himself for killing his best friend. He isolates himself from the world, training. The only catch is, Momo is still alive. How? You'll have to read and find out. ;D**

**AN: This is my first Fanfiction, ever! I've written a few stories in the past but they were always with my own character's and I didn't have to worry about them being OOC.. So I'm so sorry if my character's are way OOC I'm trying to keep them as in character as I can!**

**Also! This isn't a Toshiro/Momo story. This isn't a Toshiro/Rangiku story. It's not a Toshiro/anyone else story! Frankly I don't see Toshiro with anyone, so sorry! (I've always wanted Toshiro and Momo but everyone just says it's never going to happen. *Sigh*) It's really about friendship, I guess. There's not really any **_**real**_** romance but I guess you can pretend! :DD Well, either way, I hope you enjoy.. ^_^**

XxXxXxXxX

_Running._ Running is all I have done. I seem to be trying to run from the pain but it just doesn't work. I cringe as I feel another small pain blast inside my body. I close my eyes engulfing myself into the pain; enjoying it.

As my feet continue to stomp on the ground my sides continue to ache. _I deserve it_. My feet beg me to stop but I continue to go on, pushing myself past my limits. I must keep going, I must get stronger.

"Captain!" I hear my lieutenant, Rangiku Matsumoto, calls running up behind me.

"Not now Rangiku," I hiss using my flash step to leave her in the dust. I hear following me closely and as I try to use flash step once more I fall to the ground. _Ouch._

"Captain," Rangiku whispers leaning down next to me. I stare up at her trying to utter for her to leave but my voice fails me and all I can do is lay there. "What's happened to you?"

I close my eyes tiredly. Everything's happened to me Rangiku, my life has fallen apart. I am a powerful captain, I always thought of it as simple as that. But now when I think of myself as the powerful captain I think of all the things wrong with that. Being a captain has brought me more harm then it will ever bring me good, and yet somehow, I cannot quit.

"Let's go home," Rangiku whispers lifting me up off the ground. _There is no home anymore._

XxXxXxXxX

I stare at Hyourinmaru, disgusted at my own zanpakuto. Zanpakuto's are nothing more that killers. They kill, and kill, and kill.

"Bankai," I whisper letting Hyourinmaru out to his final release. I close my eyes listening to the soft whisper of Hyourinmaru.

"Master," Hyourinmaru calls. I reach out to touch the ice dragon's face. "Why do you show me weakness? I am most powerful, I shall not stand for this."

"Then don't," I smile reeling my hand back from my zanpakuto's face. Within seconds he shatters into millions of tiny ice pieces. I open my eyes, back into my backyard. I look down on my sword wondering why Hyourinmaru is still with me.

"Captain Hitsugaya!" Rangiku calls. I turn around to see my lieutenant walking towards me. She gives me a bright smile that makes me absolutely frustrated. How can she act so normal when everything is so wrong? Everyone may see it as just one less person in the Soul Society, but that's not how it really is. It's not just _one person_. It's my best friend. My _best friend._ She's gone, and she's gone because of me.

"What is it?" I snap looking at her witch an icy stare wishing her to leave me alone. No one ever speaks with me anymore. I've lost the respect of squad, of the captains, of everyone. And I'm okay with that, I don't deserve the sympathy of these people.

"It's been three months since you've done anything productive," Rangiku says giving me a pouty look. I roll my eyes then adjust it to stare at the sky. "You know how much I hate paperwork! You know how much I hate any work! Why do you have to be so mean captain?"

"Then don't do the work," I whisper giving her a sharp look.

"Well that's the first," she laughs patting me on the back. She knocks me over and all I can do is give an aggravated sigh. "Listen captain, I know this was hard on you. I know it's unfair, but did you ever let that stop you before?"

"You don't understand the half of it."

"I don't have to. All I have to understand is that you're being weak. You are the captain of Squad 10. You're _my _captain. And if you don't shape up I'm going to have to beat it out of you!"

"Do you think I care Rangiku?"

"Look, if you don't want to be my captain anymore, fine, I'll find a new one. I just hope you know, I don't know who you are anymore. I don't know who you are because the Toshiro I know, he wouldn't back down without a fight, he wouldn't show weakness, he would stand up and he would fight with all his heart."

**AN: ..Review? ^.^**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2!**

**AN: If you guys want to skip these AN you may. Unless it says IMPORTANT or something. Because I just like typing and informing you guys but I'm pretty sure it's pointless. Hehe. Well on with the story, yes? Yes!**

**Oh and I would also like to add that if some of my information is wrong I apologize! I haven't read the manga's and have only watched the anime. Also I am not even finished with it! I'm on episode 250 something so I'm sorry if my information is wrong, I hope you enjoy anyways!**

XxXxXxXxX

I've been training, that's really all I've been doing. I remember a long time when Rangiku had saved me. I was young and alone, I hadn't known of what to do with anything. All the kids strayed away from me, to this day I'm not sure why. Was it because of my gray hair? Was it because I intimidated them? Now I do not care, but it hurt me when I was a child.

I would get these odd dreams, dreams of a voice calling my name. Around that time grandma began getting very thin. I had wondered if it was a coincidence or if that too was my fault.

Rangiku is the one who saved my grandmother's life. She's the one who saved my life. She is the one that I owe everything to. I will never admit that to her, although now I do not think that really matters, but I will always be in debt to her.

She may be underneath me in command but without her I would be nothing. Before I met Rangiku the very thought of a soul reaper sickened me. I didn't understand their purpose and quite frankly I thought they were useless. But she helped me, she encouraged me, and that is what made me who I am today.

Of course who I am today, I don't think that is much to brag about. I am a powerful captain. But that means nothing to me anymore. I have lost it. The only reason I am still here, the only reason I am still fighting is because I owe myself to Rangiku.

I know it is useless to fight without a purpose. I know one cannot get stronger. But all I need to do is be there. I don't need to get better. I don't need to get stronger, I just need to train. That's all I owe because no matter of debt will force me to care. I simply do not care. I simply do not care about life itself anymore. I am just here waiting until my escape.

"Oh captain!" Rangiku shouts. I turn around to see her waving her hand excitedly. I sigh raking my hand through my light gray hair.

"Rangiku."

"How about we kick back and relax?" Rangiku asks standing in front of me. "You work too hard!"

"I have no interest," I mutter turning the other direction. She gives me a pout which has no affect on me.

"Oh captain, you're so mean!"

I shake my head and walk off in the other direction. _You're so mean._ _You're so mean. You're so mean. You're so mean._ Her voice rings into my head. Looking around I wonder what on earth that is supposed to mean to me. She has said that so many times before always in a joking matter but now I see no humor. I just hear emptiness into it.

Have I affected my lieutenant as well? Has she gotten involved in my useless pity party? Sighing I run off into the night angry at myself for ruining everyone in this world.

_I'm so sorry._

XxXxXxXxX

**AN: I'm really extremely tired right now. I don't even know why I even attempted writing this. It sucks ****_that_**** bad. But I'm going to post it. Just for the kicks. No I'm posting it because it needs to be here. It sucks but it's kind of informative. Does that make sense? No? Okay.**

**…Review? (Even though it sucks…) :DD**

..


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**AN: Hello, hello. ..That is all… Oh wait! IMPORTANT this Chapter is in third person POV. I suck at these but let's give it a shot, shall we?**

XxXxXxXxX

Momo sits on a rock perched high in the mountains watching Toshiro train. She wonders to herself how on earth things have gotten so bad. She hadn't thought her 'death' would affect him this much. Surely he wouldn't work himself so hard to the point where he was almost dead himself!

"Someone must help him," Momo mutters looking at her dear friend sadly. As she sits there she wishes more than anything she could run to him and bundle his anger. For she is certain she is the reason Toshiro is grieving this way.

"Don't even try it Momo," the man calls.

"Oh but Izuru, I can't just sit here and watch Toshiro beat himself up like that!" She shouts looking at her old friend pleadingly.

"It'll bring more harm than it'll bring good." Izuru says giving Momo a sharp look. He stands his ground and makes it so nothing will change his mind. If Izuru were to allow Momo to go down there the 13 court guard squads would see her and realize they didn't keep their end of the bargain. They'd capture her, and kill her, for real this time.

"Okay," Momo mutters giving Izuru a dark look. She knows it's not his fault but she can't just sit here and watch. She turns her head away from Toshiro, no longer wanting to see him.

Since they were little Toshiro had always been secluded to the world. He never spoke with any of the other children. The only one he ever talked to was Momo and his grandmother.

It wasn't Toshiro's fault. He just needed time to warm up to people, but no one would give him the chance. So he stayed by himself. Momo was his only companion.

Momo sighs scared for her friend. He's always been so stubborn. Whenever he set his mind to something he would do it. He would do it to any cost. He was stubborn that way. Sometimes she admired him for that and sometimes she was just aggravated by his stupidity. Right now, she just wished he'd stop hurting himself.

XxXxXxXxX

Toshiro trained with everything he had in him, and then some. He didn't care his breath was raggedy. He didn't care he was within moments of passing out. And he certainly did not care all his spiritual energy was used up. He simply did not care.

Toshiro trained, not for the sake of getting stronger, but for the sake of training. He only wished to train to pass time, to get his mind off of his pain. Of course with his training it had its own pain, but this pain was different. This was pain form working too hard, pain of being tired. He was okay with that. The pain he was running from was a whole different kind of pain. He was running from the pain of his grief.

"Am I a coward?" Toshiro asked himself aloud. "I am running from my pain instead of facing it. Is this really what it has come to?"

"Pretty much," Rangiku's voice calls as she approaches her captain. Every time she hears her captain speaking that way about himself it breaks her a little each time. She's always admired her captain for his strength and his will to go on. But seeing him like this, she feels as though she hasn't done her job properly, as if it's her fault she couldn't protect him.

She never thought of her captain as weak. Far from it actually. It's not this _one_ death that broke him. She knows Momo was dear to him but she also knows how horrible Hitsugaya's past was. In Rangiku's mind everything bad that happened to Toshiro is just adding up. It's building and building and finally he's at his breaking point.

She knew this day would come, she knew one day Hitsugaya would break, but she just didn't know this day would come so soon.

XxXxXxXxX

It seems everyone in the 13 Court Guard Squad's is being affected by Toshiro's gloom. There's a sudden eeriness to the 13 Court Guard Squads. No one speaks of Toshiro but everyone knows what's happening. Their young captain that all have come to admired is spiraling down and no one can do anything to help.

XxXxXxXxX

**AN: Was that good? I'm not sure. I think I didn't a decently good job writing it in 3****rd**** Person but I want your feedback! Oh and I'm sad to say I won't be able to update until Friday. Sorry for the inconvenience **

**Review's are loved. :3**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

**AN: Finally Updated. J Sorry for the LONG wait. :I Also I have a question for you all. Would you like longer chapters? I realize that my chapters are quite short and if you'd guys like I'll try to make them longer. **

**Oh and I also realized I haven't done a Disclaimer yet. Uh.. I don't own Bleach. Yep.**

**Well on with the story! :D By the way this is in Rangiku's point of view.**

XxXxXxXxX

"I'm useless," Toshiro smiles. Although his smile is not filled with joy as it should but instead it is filled with disgust. Closing my eyes I try and keep my voice calm and steady for my captain's sake.

"That's not true," I reply just managing to keep my voice neutral. Ever since Momo's death I've been forced into the position of staying positive. I've never been the one who smiled and reassured everyone everything was going to be okay. That just wasn't me. But now, it seems, I'm being forced into that position.

"I'm letting the entire squad down with this useless pity party of mine!" Toshiro shouts kicking a rock out of his way. I sigh aggravated at my captain's stubbornness.

"If you'd stop with the 'pity party,' as you call it then we wouldn't have this problem!" I shout letting my arms fly up tiredly. He stays silent for the longest time. I think maybe my words have finally gotten through to him, but more than likely, it has not.

I sit down next to him staring out into the sky. I feel that all of this is my fault. If I had done something sooner maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't be like this. I've always known he was hurting, but for some reason I couldn't help him. Maybe it's because Toshiro acted so strong all the time, I figured he was okay.

Actually, I knew he wasn't. I know Toshiro always kept things bottled up, I just chose not to look. I thought, if I turned the other cheek, he would be okay. But I was stupid, every little thing that happened he'd keep it under a tight lock and key until finally there was no more space, and he exploded. I knew the day would come, I just … I just wasn't expecting it to come so soon.

"Rangiku," he whispers.

"Yes captain," I question.

"Momo, she's not really dead is she?" Toshiro asks looking at me confidently.

"She's dead captain," I whisper looking at him worriedly. "She died under your own hands."

He looks at me pained but nods his head. "You're right, foolish." But when he puts his head back onto his knees I know for a fact he doesn't think she's dead. I sigh; his desperation to get Momo has gotten so far as for him to think she's actually alive.

"Rangiku," he whispers looking at me seriously. "She's not dead. I know it. She can't be."

"Captain!" I shout standing up abruptly. "You cannot think like that! You'll only hurt yourself more if you force yourself to believe she's alive when she so clearly isn't!"

"If she was really dead I would feel something!" He yells standing angrily.

"You are feeling something! You've been feeling something for a couple months now!" I yell aggravated.

"Yes," he nods looking at me icily.

"Look, you're in denial captain. She's been dead for a while now, and you _are_ feeling it. Your pity party? That's you feeling the pain of her being gone." I whisper trying to knock some sense into him.

He stays silent for a couple minutes more. After a while longer I decide he's had enough and I get up to leave. I've just about stood up but Toshiro's small voice stops me.

"She's not dead. I would have felt it. I would have felt her presence disappear. She's my best friend. I would have felt her presence vanishing from the soul society. But I didn't. She's not dead Rangiku, she's not."

I nod my head and leave. I put my hand on my chest feeling tightness there. The desperation in Toshiro's voice was so much, _too_ much. I need to be strong, I have to be, for Toshiro, But the fact is, I was never the strong one. That was never me. I was the one that always leaned on Toshiro when I needed help, but now he's gone, and I'm supposed to be strong.

XxXxXxXxX

"I can't believe I'm doing this," I mutter marching down the barracks of squad 3. If anyone were to know of Momo actually being alive, surely, Kira would be the one.

"Kira!" I shout knocking on his room door. "Open up!"

It seems like forever before he opens the door. He looks tired and worn out. That's what happens when your captains gone.

"What do you need Rangiku?" He asks stepping to the side to let me in.

"I've come here because I need to know," I whisper looking at him pleadingly.

"Need to know what? I can't read minds Rangiku," he laughs quirking an eyebrow at me.

I let out and aggravated sigh. I didn't think this would be so hard! "I'm just going to go and say it."

"That would be nice," he laughs sitting down on the floor. I sit down across from him.

"Is Momo still alive?" I let out in one quick breath.

"No," he laughs giving me a look. "She's been dead for months now, I thought you knew? Obviously your captain knows, how could not!"

"Thank you," I nod turning to leave the room.

His voice said no, but his eyes told a different story. I'm not exactly sure but I know Momo's still alive. How? Well that's beyond me. But there's one thing for certain. I have to find her. I _have_ to. For the sake of Toshiro. For the sake of the squad. And just because Momo was a damn good friend. I'll find her, if it's the last thing I do. Because once I've found her, maybe, just maybe, Toshiro will finally be okay.

XxXxXxXxX

**AN: Wheew! This took me forever to write! But I'm glad I finally got it done! :D Anyways tell me what ya think? Review. :3**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Momo sits on the bench looking around irritably. "There's simply nothing to do! Absolutely nothing!" She shouts at no one. Who could hear her anyways? She was too far away from any form of civilization for it to matter anyways.

"I wonder how Toshiro's doing right now."

~Flashback~

Momo was walking around aimlessly, bored out of her mind. No one was friends with her, no one talked to her, and she didn't know why. She had no one in the Soul Society to call her friend or family. She was entirely alone. She spent her days walking around with no particular destination.

One fateful day she saw a small boy who appeared to be a year or two younger than her. She was about to run the other direction so the boy wouldn't see his small voice stopped her.

"You look like me," he said, barely above a whisper.

"No I don't," she giggled. "I'm a girl! You're a boy! We look nothing alike."

"That's not what I meant," the small boy pouts.

"Then what did you mean?" She questions sitting down next to him. Normally when she say someone she would be running the other direction, in fear of them doing something unpleasant, like everyone before had done.

"I mean your eyes."

Momo cocks her head to the side curiously. "My eyes?"

"Yes, your eyes," he nods. "They're sad, and alone, just like mine."

"I'm not sad," she whispers even though she knows that's a lie.

"Oh," he whispers back.

"What's your name?" She asks him timidly.

"Toshiro."

"I'm Momo," she replies smiling at him. "From this day forward, we're friends, okay? Friends forever."

~End Flashback~

Momo sighs remembering the day she met Toshiro. "I promised him, friends forever, and then I go ahead and fake die. Agh! This is so stupid!"

"What's stupid?"

Momo turns around quickly to see Kira standing behind her. "Don't sneak up on me like that!" She shouts swatting at his arm.

"Since when did you get so aggravated?"

"I'm not," she mutters. But even as she says that she knows she's lying. She's been so stressed these past couple of months. Because she blames herself for the way Toshiro is ending up. While Toshiro is rotting away down there Momo can do nothing to help him, and she thinks that is entirely her fault.

**AN: So this Chapter is entirely too short, but I wanted to get this out there because it's been like, over a month since my last Chapter! So yeah, I hope you enjoyed the short Chapter. Reviews are loved. :3**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

**AN: Can I just apologize for the long wait? I suppose I've lost all my readers by now? ." I'm so sorry, for the late reply, here's a long(ish) chapter to make up for it! **

**Rangiku's POV**

"Kira!" I shout at his door.

"I'm busy Rangiku; I'll catch you later, yeah?" He shouts back through the door. I shake my head before taking a few steps back. After about six steps I run towards the door knocking it down completely.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" He questions standing up.

I'm about to yell at him until I realize he's packing for a picnic. "What do you have there?" I question looking at him pointedly.

"Um, nothing, why do you ask?"

"Well it seems like you're packing a lunch for two, who're you going with?"

"Oh, you know, just someone from the squad."

I laugh. "Come on Kira, if you're going to lie to me, lie properly! You never have casual lunches with members in your squad. In fact you never have lunch with them! You only do dinner because it's 'classier'."

"Rangiku," he shakes his head. "I can change things up every once in a while, can't I?"

"No!" I shout. Now I _know_ something is up. "Now where are you going for real?"

"Why does it matter?"

"Well, I'm curious." I'm trying to get information about Momo out of him. But he doesn't need to know about that part. "Besides, I thought we get go out for sake, we haven't done that in a while."

"It's hardly even noon!"

"When have you cared about that before?" I question quirking an eyebrow at him.

"Listen Rangiku, I don't have time for this!" He shouts picking up his picnic basket. "I really have to get going."

"Why don't I go with you?" I question following him out the door. "I can go for lunch."

"I didn't pack enough for you."

"Who else are you having lunch with?" I question.

"No one," he mutters quickly. Aha! I've got him now.

"Perfect!" I laugh skipping along side him. "You've packed enough for two!"

"No, I just eat a lot, Rangiku," he mutters looking at me annoyed.

"Now Kira, you can't eat that much! You'll fall out of shape. I'll help you with that."

"Rangiku!" He yells with authority in his voice. He looks as me as if he's staring at someone underneath him in command. I stare back at him angrily. "I haven't any time for this! I'll go out or sake with you some other time, I'm busy right now!"

I nod my head at him. I walk away then but as soon as he turns his shoulder to the other direction, I follow him. He's got to be going to Momo, there's nowhere else he'd be going. He'd never pass up an opportunity to go out for sake, no matter what time it is! I continue to follow him but it doesn't seem like he's going anywhere. We've walked around the same place five times now. I shake my head. He knows I'm on to him. I turn to walk away seeing as though I'll never see where he's going.

"Maybe next time Rangiku!" Kira shouts. I flip him the bird but continue to walk back to the quads.

Now, where could Momo possibly be hiding? I'm positive she's here somewhere. With Toshiro's suggestions and Kira's strange behavior; I'm positive. All I have left to do is find out where and why. Then I'll have to convince her to come back with me. Damn, this is going to be more work than I thought.

"Rangiku." Toshiro's voice calls.

I walk over to his office. "Yes?" I reply peaking my head in.

"There's a captain's meeting, you were supposed to go but you didn't clock in. They're ringing my phone's still; tell them to shut up."

I shake my head at him irritably. "I _did_ go. The thing is they said you've been out too many of them. You've got to go! They're no longer allowing me to sit in with you."

"Well that's bull shit." He laughs. "I suppose our squad won't be participating in _those_ anymore." He replies with venom in his voice.

"Toshiro," I whisper. He looks over at me and I notice he's drunk. "Have you been drinking?"

"Just a little sake," he laughs. He holds out a bottle to me. "Would you like some Rangiku?"

"You never drink sake! What are you doing?" I shout. He laughs and shakes his head at me. He continues to toss his head back at down the rest of the bottle. I look over at my captain's drunken figure and a part of me breaks. It's gotten so bad; so, so bad. In all of the years I've worked with Toshiro not once have I ever seen him drink more than one small cup of sake. Now, I'm sure he's drunken the whole bottle by himself.

"How many of those did you have?"

"My fourth, maybe fifth, one; I've lost count."

"What?" I shout stalking over to him. "Give me that, right now! You've had entirely too much to drink!" He laughs but hands me the bottle anyways. He closes his eyes and by his heavy breathing I realize he's fallen asleep. I walk around the office picking up junk here and there. I pick up a dirty sock that must've been sitting there for months.

"Oh captain," I whisper. "What's happened to you?"

**AN: Okay.. I guess this wasn't ****_that_**** long. (BUT! It is my longest chapter! Only by, like, 20 words? But still! Plus it's probably because of this ****_long_**** AN, but eh, whatever xD) I'm so sorry, but I've kind of lost all motivation to write this story. I may write a bit here and there but I doubt I'll finish this. /.\ I'll need some serious motivation. I mean, really, look at how horrible this chapter was! I'm so sorry! I know the writing style in this Chapter's different, I'm sorry for that too. If you like the other style better please tell me! Because the few chapter's I may write at least then I'll know what style you'll like! Okay, that's all for now, and I'll try to write more..maybe? Thanks for the support! **

**Leave me a review? I'd like to know what you guys think. Okay, thanks!(: **


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